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Ode
to Greenville, S.C. |
by Chris |
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A common site in the metropolitan areas of Pissville. |
Last night, while driving
home from Tennessee, I drove through Greenville, South Carolina. It was one of the most unfortunate and
grueling experiences of my driving career.
On the trip up, we had noticed much about the section of the “city” we
drove through. The decay, wretched
roads, dirty brown and grey toned industial-esque buildings, and the
overwhelming sense of dank depression that surrounded the entire town. But, since we were only passing through,
briefly, we figured we could endure it because it was shaving some time off of
our trip and creating a more direct route to our destination. Little did I know, that the scenery and the
feelings of disgust and discomfort were no less than a warning to us that we
need not ever return to the city of Greenville. But before I recant the story, I need something cleared up for
me. I’m not quite sure why the town is
called “Green”-ville, as I saw nothing green in the stretch of city we passed
through, other than the few remaining patches of grass that delinquent teens
had overlooked burning with cigarette lighters.
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This is a photo I took on our way through Pissville the first time. I should have taken a hint when the filthy children came up to the windows of our Jeep and were begging for scraps of food or Taco Bell wrappers to suck on. |
Now, I’ve been to Greenville (Pissville)
before, many times actually, and I have to blame the fact that I didn’t realize
that this shithole town was the biggest bowl of hot piss on either my youth or
the fact that I had lived in wretched South Carolina most of my life, and I
just didn’t know any better. Pissville
has no redeeming value at all except to be a display for the worst aspects of
humanity. And it took just one or two
events to open my eyes up to the truth.
Late last night, while traveling back through
Pissville, we encountered the most horrifying driving experience
imaginable. Why, for the love of Christ
would someone decide it was a good idea to dig holes in White Horse Road (a
busy main street in Pissville) without providing any more information other
than “Road Closed Ahead” is beyond me.
No detour route, no flagmen re-directing traffic, no cops (although I’m
convinced ‘law don’go round he’ah’ in Pissville), not one goddamn thing other
than heavy machinery digging holes in the road tearing up train tracks, obese
rednecks standing around a barrel full of fire, and myself and about 30 other
cars driving in circles trying to figure out how the shit to get to I-85 and
the hell out of Pissville. I mean there
were cars, scattering in all directions, and there were some even driving
around in the fields surrounding the “dig”.
I’m sure that the majority of the occupants of those vehicles were
actually FROM Pissville, but since the average intelligence in that city isn’t
equipped enough to operate a door handle, let alone a motor vehicle, they were
no better off than the out-of-towners.We were seemingly stuck in that bumfuck
city with nowhere else to turn except back.
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So we decided to trek back and try and find a recognizable us highway. We lucked out, and US-123 came into view. Fortunately, I realized that somewhere, many years ago I actually used to come to Pissville for a reason that escaped me at the time, and still escapes me now, but I recognized US-123 as a route out of the city. Little did I know it, but after driving for 20 minutes on US-123, I was lead directly back in the direction of Pissville by signs promising access to beloved Interstate 85. Once we gained access to Interstate 85, it was completely and totally destroyed, and I was suddenly part of the most dangerous video game imaginable. One lane, which was around 8 feet wide, and a surface that seemed like concrete, only it was brown and pitted with holes.
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The residents of Pissville apparently think that it is necessary not only to torture you with decay and horribly disgusting and depressing scenery when you are actually IN their city, but they feel the need to make you suffer the entire time you are desperately attempting to leave their city as well. Eventually, as we cleared the South Carolina / Georgia border, we started to breathe easier, and the roads became smooth paved lottery driven fine riding once again. As we crossed the border to Georgia I vowed never to visit Pissville again. It’s the biggest shitpile nothing piece of garbage town in the entire State of South Carolina, and that’s INCLUDING Columbia, which I have also vowed never to visit again. Of course, my sister’s wedding is in Pissville in a few months, so I’ll probably be breaking my vow to go to that. But, I’m not going to say I’m thrilled about the idea. I’m gonna be drinking the entire time so help me God.
Click Here to Read an Archived
Greenville News Article on the Highway Situation
